tired.

Transitioning back into the swing of things with school of the course of the last 3 weeks has proven extremely difficult for me. It is because of this that I have been unmotivated to write in this blog. Frustrations with students, colleagues, and administration have built up to a point where last week I called out of school for a "mental health" day. In thinking back over the past 10 year I have been working, I can not recall a single other incident where I called out sick for this reason. This school has become a huge part of me. I leave my apartment each morning between 6:45 and 7:45, and between my basketball team, and going to the gym on the way home, I often don't arrive home until 7 or 7:30pm. Once I get home, prepare & eat, or go to a restaurant, it is 9:00pm and I am physically and mentally drained to a point where it is very difficult for me to get my school work done. I often am in bed a little after 10pm, and fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. In the mornings I rush and stuggle to piece together a lesson plan that will be at least somewhat engaging - though it often seems that I do not achieve success.

I have found myself feeling depressed, as I feel helpless, and also that I am failing my students. I start to think about the applications I will soon be sending out to different school districts, some urban, some rural, some suburban, but none quite like the place I am now. I wonder if I will be more successful teaching in district closer to my suburban apartment - or if I will miss the experience of working with such a high risk population. I still feel that urban education is my interest and my passion, but I also feel that urban education is broken and that I don't know where to even start in being part of the coalition of people to fix it. I don't feel like I am helping kids the way I should and I don't think that the majority of teachers in this type of system are successful.

Is it matter of how much you care? A matter of being realistic? I don't feel like someone can realistically say that these schools are doing what they are meant to. I believe that there needs to be some sort of self-control at work in order for teachers to convince themselves that what they are doing is changing things or making things better. The ghetto is still the ghetto and people keep pretending that what they are doing is going to change that.

"Another White Teacher Fails in the City"